There must be something better than this…Right?

Two years ago, I started on a journey.  It was with great trepidation that I set out to seek what more life had to offer. I was tired of just existing. 
Just a little background: I have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life. I have been on and off meds since my teenage years and never found anything that really helped me function to the best of my ability.  There were times that life was good or not so bad and then I would fall into a pit of depression and wonder how I could get out.  There were times that I didn’t want to get out.  I would hold my breath and try not to exist. Well, that didn’t work.  So, like I said, I embarked on a journey. 

Almost two years ago I started going to counseling.  Starting that was the scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life.  I was broken, I was going to have to tell someone about it, I was going to have to let it all out.  I had an overwhelming sense of anxiety before my first session.  I was a single mom raising several little boys and a lot had happened in my life up to that point.  I wanted to cancel my appointment.  I was going to email my therapist and tell her that I had a scheduling conflict, or that something came up, or perhaps that I just wasn’t ready to take this step.  I was too broken, even for counseling. There was no fixing me, or the damage that had been done to me. 

The minutes leading up to my appointment were terrible.  It was like waiting in front of a firing squad.  I was sweating profusely, I could feel my heart about to beat out of my chest, and my body shook with each beat of my heart. Then it was time. Even though I didn’t really want to, I logged on to my appointment session.  My therapist said Hi and introduced herself.  Wow, she wasn’t that scary.  We chatted for a few minutes, and she asked me what brought me to therapy.  Here is the big question, do I tell her the truth, or will she say she wouldn’t be able to help me?  I took a deep breath and told her that right now life was hard, and that there were several reasons, things that had happened in my life in the last 5 years that have emotionally struck me that I could no longer keep to myself.  I needed help.

  I told her about my life and all the many recent changes that I was going through, and you know what?  She didn’t head for the door or refer me out to someone more “qualified”.  She met me where I was, and she helped me take the tiniest of supported baby steps towards healing.  I left that first session with real hope that life could be better, there was more there than meets the eye.  I was ready to find that better way of living.

 About the same time that I started counseling I had an appointment with a real psychiatrist. My PCP had been prescribing me meds and had asked me if I was ready to get off them.  Uh, NO!!! When I had started taking them that first week, it was like waking up after being half asleep for months.  It was like I was a zombie before, and I could finally function.  But even those meds left me hoping for more in my life.  I needed something different, something to get me out of the hole I was in and pairing new meds with counseling helped, I added that to reading my bible and praying and did the trick. 

My psychiatrist asked me all kinds of questions and said let’s start with this med and see how it goes.  Well, I was kind of doubtful because I had used this particular med in the past and not found it to be very effective.  He asked me if they had ever drawn blood to see if it was at a therapeutic level. That was a no. I stepped out in faith not knowing if it was going to work.  I am happy to say that after adjusting the dosage I had much better results than I did with the meds that my PCP had prescribed me.  I felt like I was finally on the road to healing.

I do have to say that none of this would have been possible without God.  I had grown up going to church and been in church most my life, but I wasn’t reading God’s word and praying like I should have been.  It wouldn’t have made the problem go away but more consistency would have gone a long way.  God will meet you where you are and help you along the way. It was Gods calling that lead me to want more out of life.  He had plans for me and I was willing and ready to start a new chapter in life. 

Some may say they aren’t willing to start a healing journey. One thing I learned from my Divorce Care class was to be willing to be willing.  So, I want to ask you if there is something that you need to be willing to be willing to do.  Don’t panic thinking you have to go do it right now (unless the Lord is leading you to it right now), just be willing to be willing to go along with His plan for your life.

Talk to you soon. 

Much Love in Christ

Hilary